What’s Love Got To Do With it?

G.Y. asks: “Is it normal to be attracted to someone else when you are in a committed relationship? I have the best partner ever. They are really funny, hot, and we get along great. So why can’t I stop noticing other people? Is it normal to have a wandering eye or does this mean there is something missing from my relationship?”

Understanding Romantic Relationships 

Humans are inherently drawn to beauty, be it the physical or moral kind. This switch does not magically turn off when we enter a committed relationship, even if our partner appears to have stepped straight out of a Hollywood movie. To find ourselves attracted to other individuals is quite natural and common in many relationships.

Although it does not necessarily mean something is missing from the relationship, we now have evidence which supports this notion. Over the years, researchers developed some good ideas of why that might occur and what strategies might be implemented to reduce this tendency while in a committed relationship. *

The concept of our self

It is in our nature to seek novelty, to be curious and to look for new experiences. And it is no different in regard to the relationships we decide to invest in. Sometimes, attraction is purely physical. But other times, it may be the shared interests or values that catch our attention. In this case, we may seek to expand our self-concept, the sense of who we are. Through shared time and experiences, we tend to implement the characteristics of our partner, adding them to the concept of our self.

The theory of self-expansion is one such proposition. It suggests that people’s motivation in seeking and maintaining close relationships is the opportunity to expand their sense of self. It speaks to our need to explore and self-improve, as well as broaden our perspective and gain opportunity. If this need is fulfilled in the current relationship, there would be a higher likelihood that the individual is satisfied with the relationship and does not need to seek self-expansion elsewhere. However, if an individual does not experience sufficient self-expansion, he will look for new and exciting experiences which another person can provide, and the interest in alternative partners may increase.

Whether we do it conscientiously or not, we evaluate our partner based on our individual criteria for an ideal partner. It can be their physical attractiveness, personality traits, or social status. When we meet a person that fits more of our criteria or possesses attributes we lack in our current partner, we might experience attraction towards that person. This is known as attention to alternatives.

However, the extent to which we evaluate potential alternative partners is influenced by the experience we have with our current relationship. If  experiencing high relationship satisfaction, there is a less likely chance we will seek out those alternatives.

How to maintain high satisfaction

Within satisfactory relationships, there seem to be certain relationship-maintenance strategies that individuals engage in. Research suggests that longer exposure and attention to attractive alternatives were associated with lower commitment to the relationship. However, participants, who were in a committed relationship seemed to redirect their attention faster. Further they devalued the attractiveness of the alternative in comparison to their partner and reported lower rates of relationship dissolution and avoid infidelity.

Strategies and benefits

It can be beneficial for partners to engage in shared activities, that are stress-free and satisfying for both. It can promote closeness and help maintain a relationship over time. Of course, even the most satisfying relationship has its ups and downs.

To be able to build a relationship of trust and intimacy, we need to be willing at times to:

• put aside individual needs and goals
• prioritize those of a relationship and our partner

It can help build an intimate and supportive relationship and bring many benefits. But we need to keep in mind that it can only do so as long as we don’t neglect ourselves and include our needs as well.

Additionally, setting approach goals and expectations regarding communication might be a valuable tool for a long-term strategy, that can bring you closer together and lead to positive consequences.

Conclusion

Attraction towards other people while in a committed relationship is natural and even in some cases might have some benefits. It can point out possible issues within the relationship, as well as act as a motivator for facing them. Evaluate the possible reasons why we might feel attracted to others and to take active steps. This would lead to possibly achieve a higher relationship satisfaction that would encourage relationship maintenance. It is also important to mention, that just because we might experience attraction towards others other than our primary partner, it does not necessarily need to lead to infidelity.

There are multiple strategies and approaches we can implement in our relationship, such as self-expansion, communal motivation or shared activities .

These can contribute to the quality of our relationship and help maintain it. Ultimately, healthy relationship is built on trust, communication, and commitment, and they provide a strong foundation to help us navigate attraction to others and build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Text: Ester Lipovska – Psychologist

*The article above is based on published studies